Steps 8 & 9 Workshop Serenity on the Sound XXXII Source materials for this workshop · Back to the Basics of Recovery by Wally P · Back to the Basics of Sponsorship (Workshop handouts) by Wally P and Brit P-S · Alcoholics Anonymous (The “Big Book”) · Sex Addicts Anonymous (The “Green Book”) · Cosa materials (??) · Amends, Apologies, and the Myths of Forgiveness, by Steven C. · Back to the Basics of Recovery for SAA and COSA workshop, January, 2021, compiled and edited by Bruce D The “Right Way!” Q: What is the right way to work steps 8 and 9? The “Right Way!” Q: What is the right way to work steps 8 and 9? A: “There is no one correct or SAA-sanctioned way to work the steps.” -- Sex Addicts Anonymous, Chapter Three, page 21 The “Right Way!” Q: Are we going to work the steps the right way in this workshop? A: There is no such thing! Your first SAA or COSA meeting: Why did you attend? Your first SAA or COSA meeting: Why did you attend? Was it because your life was: Out of control? Unmanageable? Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over [addictive, compulsive sexual behavior], that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. What did you observe at your first meeting? 2. What did you observe at your first meeting? Did you see something in others that you did not have? 2. What did you observe at your first meeting? Did you see something in others that you did not have? Did the people there seem to have something that might help you also? 2. What did you observe at your first meeting? Did you see something in others that you did not have? Did the people there seem to have something that might help you also? Would you call that “something” a “power greater than” what you have? Greater than your own powerless self? Step 2: Came to believe that [a power greater than ourselves] could restore us to sanity. 3. Why did you keep coming to meetings? 3. Why did you keep coming to this meeting? Did you make a decision? 3. Why did you keep coming to this meeting? Did you decide to keep coming to the meeting? 3. Why did you keep coming to this meeting? Was it because you wanted the power that you observed in the room? 3. Why did you keep coming to this meeting? Could you say that your decision was “to turn your will and your life over to the power” that you observed in the room -- a power that you did not have at that time? 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to [the power greater than ourselves]. Decisions made -- Time for Action! 4. Step 4 -- “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” Step 5 -- “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” 4. Why is it necessary to take a personal inventory? 4. Why is it necessary to take a personal inventory? … and why do we share that inventory? Page 72 of Alcoholics Anonymous, tells us why: Page 72 of Alcoholics Anonymous, tells us why: “... The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome (our difficulties). Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they (relapsed). Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock....” Page 72 of Alcoholics Anonymous, tells us why: “... The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome (our difficulties). Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they (relapsed). Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock....” -- (pg. 72, para. 2, lines 9-13; pg. 73, lines 1-5, edited) Decisions made -- Time for Action! 4a. Who or what are you angry at? 4a. Who or what are you angry at? (Resentments) 4a. Who or what are you angry at? (Choose one or two persons or institutions; or perhaps your understanding of God?) 4a. Who or what are you angry at? (Choose one or two persons or institutions; or perhaps your Church, or God?) This is just an example -- we are not going to do an exhaustive, never-ending search, just a “searching and fearless” listing of a few of our “character defects.” You may do this now. 4b. Who or what are you afraid of? 4b. Who or what are you afraid of? (Again, just one or two is sufficient for this workshop) [Ref: Alcoholics Anonymous page 68] 4c. Whom did you hurt -- because of selfishness? 4c. Whom did you hurt -- because of dishonesty? 4c. Whom did you hurt -- because of any of these character defects? (This becomes our Harms list.) Examples: Selfish(ness) Dishonest(y) Inconsiderat(ion) Jealousy Suspicion Bitterness [Ref: Alcoholics Anonymous page 69] From steps 6 and 7 … We will turn our shortcomings over to God, as we understand God, in steps Six and Seven. Step 6: [We] were entirely ready to turn our will and our lives over to our Higher Power Step 7: Humbly asked [our Higher Power] to remove our character defects [shortcomings] 6. Are you willing … ? 7. Are you willing … … to (humbly) ask your higher power to remove your character defects (shortcomings?) In other words, are you “sick and tired of being sick and tired?” Are you willing … ? [Choose one -- Higher Power, My Creator, God, Goddess, Truth, Love, Mother Nature, Justice, “ABU (or Abundant, Benevolent, Universe)”, god of your own understanding, ...], ... Are you willing to repeat with me and others in the room? 7. Okay, then, repeat with me -- [Higher Power, of your choice,] “I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me, every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my [fellow human beings]. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Thy Will, not mine, be done.” [Modified from Alcoholics Anonymous page 76] From steps 6 and 7 … We turn our shortcomings over to God, as we understand God, in steps Six and Seven. Then, we will make amends to those we've harmed, and forgive those who have harmed us, in steps Eight and Nine. Review of Steps one through seven -- If you answered “Yes!” to the first, second, third and sixth step questions, made (and shared) an inventory of resentments, fears, and harms, and asked your Higher Power to remove your character defects ... Review of Steps one through seven -- If you answered “Yes!” to the first, second, third and sixth step questions, made (and shared) an inventory of resentments, fears, and harms, and asked your Higher Power to remove your character defects ... YOU HAVE COMPLETED STEPS ONE THROUGH SEVEN ... From steps 6 and 7 … We turned our shortcomings over to God, as we understand God, in steps Six and Seven. Next, we will make amends to those we've harmed, and forgive those who have harmed us, in steps Eight and Nine. We are entering the phase of the program where more and more actions are required. These actions produce results. 8. … made a list … Now, it is time to clear away the wreckage of our past. We do this by making amends to those we have harmed and forgiving those who have harmed us. Step Eight reads: Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 8. … made a list … The “Big Book” authors state, “made a list.” Do we need to make this list? Actually, no! We compiled our list as a part of our Fourth and Fifth Steps. 8. … made a list … In the third paragraph on page 76, the “Big Book” authors confirm this: “Now we need more action, without which we find that 'Faith without works is dead.' Let's look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of [...] persons we have harmed and to whom we [will become] willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. ...” (pg. 76, para.3, lines 1-5) That's why we hold onto our Fourth Step inventory. It contains our Eighth Step amends list. 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … We … became willing to make amends to each person on (each) list. Why do we do an 8th and 9th step, anyway? My opinion: (I believe) We will never get sober if we don’t; We have to deal with the people who “rent space in our heads”; We need to quiet the committee of nay-sayers and negative talkers, the people in our heads, who tell us continually that we are bad, worthless, hopeless, etc. 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- To whom do we make our first amends? 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- To whom do we make our first amends? To one one we most fear? 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- To whom do we make our first amends? To one one we most fear? To the ones closest to us? 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- To whom do we make our first amends? To one one we most fear? To the ones closest to us? To someone for whom it would not be total disaster, if we did not do a perfect job? 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- Do we wait until we are willing to make amends to everyone on each list? 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- Do we wait until we are willing to make amends to everyone on each list? … or we could choose an item, work on becoming ready and willing, and then make a step 9 amends for that one? 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- Do we wait until we are willing to make amends to everyone on each list? … or we could choose an item, work on becoming ready and willing, and then make a step 9 amends for that one? Your thoughts? 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … “… and became willing to make amends to [each person, etc.,] on each list.” Process question on working these two steps -- Do we wait until we are willing to make amends to everyone on each list? … or we could choose an item, work on becoming ready and willing, and then make a step 9 amends for that one? Your thoughts? (What if there is someone we may never be will to make amends to?) 8. Using the resentments, fears and harms lists … We use the advice from our sponsor(s) as to which amends to make first: [I believe the correct way to do all that we can, and do whatever it takes, is to listen to the advice of our sponsors and others in the program who have gone before us -- painstakingly] (This is regardless of whether we wait until we are willing to make amends to everyone, or we work steps 8 (becoming ready) first, and 9 (making amends) for each person.) Step 9: “Made direct amends to each person, except when to do so would injure them or others. … But First! (before we talk about how to make amends) … But First! (before we talk about how to make amends) … let us go into breakout rooms, to talk about some examples of resentments, fears, and harms that we might want to make amends for ... … But First! (before we talk about how to make amends) … let us go into breakout rooms, to talk about some examples of resentments, fears, and harms that we might want to make amends for … NOTE: these do not have to be revealing personal shame or offenses of our own -- they can be examples, from the workshop leader, from meeting shares you have heard, from ideas of your own. ... … But First! (before we talk about how to make amends) … let us go into breakout rooms, to talk about some examples of resentments, fears, and harms that we might want to make amends for … NOTE: these do not have to be revealing personal shame or offenses of our own -- they can be examples, from the workshop leader, from meeting shares you have heard, or made up from ideas of your own. [Please respect the anonymity and confidentiality of others, here in the workshop and outside.] … But First! (before we talk about how to make amends) … let us go into breakout rooms, to talk about some examples of resentments, fears, and harms that we might want to make amends for … NOTE: these do not have to be revealing personal shame or offenses of our own -- they can be examples, from the workshop leader, from meeting shares you have heard, or made up from ideas of your own. [Please respect the anonymity and confidentiality of others, here in the workshop and outside.] Choose people in your same program, (probably same gender), -- two or three together, to talk with for 5-7 minutes Sunrise at Soundview Step 9: “Made direct amends to each person, except when to do so would injure them or others. 9a. Direct Amends [...] on page 77 the “Big Book” authors provide us with an example of “Direct Amends.” They ask us to let our actions, rather than our words, demonstrate that we have changes. 9a. Direct Amends [...] on page 77 the “Big Book” authors provide us with an example of “Direct Amends.” They ask us to let our actions, rather than our words, demonstrate that we have changes. They write: “... It is seldom wise to approach (individuals), who still smart from our injustice to (them), and announce that we have gone religious. In the prize ring, this would be called leading with the chin. 9a. Direct Amends [...] on page 77 the “Big Book” authors provide us with an example of “Direct Amends.” They ask us to let our actions, rather than our words, demonstrate that we have changes. They write: “... It is seldom wise to approach (individuals), who still smart from our injustice to (them), and announce that we have gone religious. In the prize ring, this would be called leading with the chin. Why lay ourselves open to being branded fanatics or religious bores? We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message. 9a. Direct Amends [...] on page 77 the “Big Book” authors provide us with an example of “Direct Amends.” They ask us to let our actions, rather than our words, demonstrate that we have changes. They write: “... It is seldom wise to approach (individuals), who still smart from our injustice to (them), and announce that we have gone religious. In the prize ring, this would be called leading with the chin. Why lay ourselves open to being branded fanatics or religious bores? We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message. But (they are) sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set the right wrong. (They are) going to be more interested in a demonstration of good will than in our talk of spiritual discoveries.” 9. What kinds of amends are there … ? 9. What kinds of amends are there … ? Direct amends 9. What kinds of amends are there … ? Direct amends Living amends 9. What kinds of amends are there … ? Direct amends Living amends Amends-in-kind 9. What kinds of amends are there … ? Direct amends Living amends Amends-in-kind Amends to those we cannot make amends to . 9. What kinds of amends are there … ? Direct amends Living amends Amends-in-kind Amends to those we cannot make amends to Other kinds? What do you understand? 9.a.1 Amends for resentments: 9.a.1 Amends for resentments: How do we do this? Forgiveness is the answer. We may pray for those we hold resentments against, for willingness to forgive. 9.a.2 Amends for Fears: The answer to fear is faith -- accept and believe that the world is operating as it should. 9.a.2 Amends for Fears: The answer to fear is faith -- accept and believe that the world is operating as it should. Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, page 417, known as, “On Acceptance.” (Will someone read or recite this?) “On Acceptance” "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, page 417) 9.a.3 Amends for Harms (These are where action is needed) [Wally P says:] There are four parts to a direct amends: This is what I did (to cause you harm); I apologize for this; What can I do to make it right? Is there anything else we need to talk about? 9a. Direct Amends We can repay money ... 9a. Direct Amends We can repay money we took, or failed to pay, or cost them in other ways. 9a. Direct Amends We can repay money we took, or failed to pay, or cost them in other ways. If it has been awhile, we may need to pay interest, maybe use an inflation calculator for a long-ago debt. 9a. Direct Amends We can repay money we took, or failed to pay, or cost them in other ways. If it has been awhile, we may need to pay interest, maybe use an inflation calculator for a long-ago debt. Many companies (and other organizations) have that is called “a guilty conscience fund” for people who want to pay for office supplies, products or equipment they took, etc. You may send money anonymously to such a fund. 9a. Direct Amends to someone we genuinely don’t like! 9a. Direct Amends to someone we genuinely don’t like! One of the most difficult amends to make is to someone we genuinely don't like. But, whether we like the person or not, we must proceed. 9a. Direct Amends to someone we genuinely don’t like! One of the most difficult amends to make is to someone we genuinely don't like. But, whether we like the person or not, we must proceed. On page 77, starting with the ninth line in the first paragraph, we find: 9a. Direct Amends to someone we genuinely don’t like! One of the most difficult amends to make is to someone we genuinely don't like. But, whether we like the person or not, we must proceed. On page 77, starting with the ninth line in the first paragraph, we find: “... Nevertheless, with (those) we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy then to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to (them) in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing or regret.” 9a. Direct Amends to someone we genuinely don’t like! One of the most difficult amends to make is to someone we genuinely don't like. But, whether we like the person or not, we must proceed. On page 77, starting with the ninth line in the first paragraph, we find: “... Nevertheless, with (those) we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy then to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to (them) in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing or regret.” (pg. 77, para 1, lines 9-14 edited) 9b. Living amends The “Living Amends” is straightforward. We live, to the best of our ability, as a recovered member of the Twelve-Step community. This is one of the greatest amends we can make to our family and friends. As the “Big Book” authors write, “Our behavior will convince them more than our words.” 9b. Living amends The “Living Amends” is straightforward. We live, to the best of our ability, as a recovered member of the Twelve-Step community. This is one of the greatest amends we can make to our family and friends. As the “Big Book” authors write, “Our behavior will convince them more than our words.” -- from Back to the Basics of Recovery, by Wally P Can someone give an example? Maybe a personal living amends they’ve made, or had made regarding them? 9c. Amends-in-kind The “Amends-in-Kind” is described in the first paragraph on page 82: “... Good generalship may decide that the problem be attacked on the flank rather than risk … face to face combat.” (pg. 82, para. 1, lines 8-10, edited.) 9c. Amends-in-kind The “Amends-in-Kind” is described in the first paragraph on page 82: An “Amends-in-Kind” implies doing something “instead of” or “in place of.” For example, if you and your (sharing) partner decide that a “Direct Amends” would only make a situation worse, you can develop an alternative plan of action, such as taking a Beginners' Meeting into a halfway house or Prison, volunteering at a homeless shelter or assisted living facility, or making a service commitment to a Twelve-Step group. 9c. Amends-in-kind What does this mean to you? 9d. Amends to someone we cannot make amends to face-to-face: (Why not? What are some possible reasons?) 9d. Amends to someone we cannot make amends to In the third paragraph on page 83, the “Big Book” authors give us directions on what we do if we can’t make amends to someone face-to-face. 9d. Amends to someone we cannot make amends to In the third paragraph on page 83, the “Big Book” authors give us directions on what we do if we can’t make amends to someone face-to-face. There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. 9d. Amends to someone we cannot make amends to In the third paragraph on page 83, the “Big Book” authors give us directions on what we do if we can’t make amends to someone face-to-face. There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen—we (write) them an honest letter (that we do not send unless they have agreed to receive it). 9d. Amends to someone we cannot make amends to … Some people cannot be seen—we (write) them an honest letter (that we do not send unless they have agreed to receive it). Here, the sharing partners sit down together and write the letter. Then they read it aloud and put it into an envelope. Together, they go to the post office and mail it. The envelope has no name on it, no address on it, no return name, and no return address. It does have a stamp on it to help defray the cost of handling. Another way to send the letter is to burn it after reading it aloud. Again this is something the sharing partners do together. Taking the steps is all about healing -- It is about overcoming the remorse, pain, guilt and shame associated with past behaviors and activities. We heal as the direct result of making amends to those we’ve harmed and forgiving those who have harmed us Copyright: Faith With Works Publishing Company, Wally P., 2010 (Rev. 10/20) Amends for Harms (I leave you with one final thought --) (These are where action is needed) [Wally P says:] There are four parts to a direct amends: This is what I did (to cause you harm); I apologize for this; What can I do to make it right? Is there anything else we need to talk about? Questions? Dan B [Sammamish, WA] danb.lakewood@gmail.com 206-795-1686 SAA Home meeting: Glacier Peak, Saturday 10 AM [Hybrid] (I would be honored, and happy, to sponsor others through their 8th and 9th steps, with their sponsor’s approval.)