A member's story

A pursuit of God got awry
I am a recovering sex addict in Western North Carolina and have been in meetings for 10-15 years.

Some years ago after a Bible Study I drove up a highway in Orange County and went into an adult theater for the first time. I thought I was in heaven. This started a widening of concentric circles of addiction that started with escort services, Asian massages and then street pick ups. Moving to North Carolina, I lived away from the city and hoped for some "geographic sobriety". Nevertheless, I found the spots, started utilizing hook up places with men, and business trips were always synonymous with acting out.

As one person said: I couldn't lower my standards fast enough to catch up to my behavior.

My bottom: I remember circling a lake realizing I had tried everything but could not stop. I read every Christian book on overcoming sin, implementing Romans 6, etc. but I always knew no matter what I threw in the way, I would act out eventually. I was out of ideas.

Eventually, I found a Celebrate Recovery which introduced me to the 12 steps. After acting out in an adult book store, I realized I needed something more specific and eventually found a local meeting. After thousands of conversations with my sponsor, working the steps, and years of meetings, I realized the resentments, fantasy, fears I was harboring that was driving my ritual.

I am not cured. I have a daily reprieve based upon my spiritual conditions. But today I am able to fight up stream - resentments, attachments, fears, etc. I don't get to the place where I am fighting with the steering wheel of the car driving past an adult venue because I know if I go in that neighborhood, I am powerless over this addiction. So the program teaches me to stay away and develop new habits.

I have found that my sexual addiction is a pursuit of God got awry. The intimacy and connection I crave is legitimate and wholesome but the means I tried to fill that need is destructive to myself and those around me. Being in the program helps me get my needs met in legitimate, not "quick fix", ways.

I am thankful to find this resource and fellowship as it was the only thing that worked in my situation.

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