A member's story

My Story
I have been struggling with my addiction to porn since I was about 14 or 15. I found a penthouse magazine underneath my dad's bed and it made me feel something inside. I was able to rent porn at the video store when I was about 15-16. I looked much older than my age. I had a job at pizzeria and made pretty good money, so a lot of it went to porn. By the time I was 18, I had multiple memberships at video stores around town. I would rotate them each week, so I didn't look like a porn freak.

I continued to watch porn through college, although I would not watch when I was away. I was afraid that my roommates would find out. But when I went home on breaks, the first thing I would do would head to the video stores. When I got out of college, I was still renting videos at various stores, and then I started to buy videos. I probably had about 100 porn videos. Sometimes I would throw all the porn out and not watch for a few days, then I would be back at the video store or buying porn online. When the internet came about, I would join video sites and spend 50-60 bucks a month. The porn causes so much shame. That is my biggest fight in this struggle. My shame takes over my mind and I go into isolation. I don't eat for days sometimes, because I don't feel worthy. I have had some success in SAA so far. It really helps to meet people who are struggling with the same issues. I don't feel alone.

I am doing the best I can so far. I have had some sobriety. I have to take it day by day. I have to journal, I have to work the steps and I have to attend meetings several times a week. I will beat this, I just have to have patience.

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